The Most Primitive Emotion
by kidneyofcapaldi
Summary: Chiyuki wakes up in her old life as if her suicide never happened- with no memory of the Quindecim Bar. Who is the man that seems so familiar, and how does he know so much about her? Decim x Chiyuki.
1. Chapter 1

***has tons of free time to deal with responsibilities***

***watches whole season of death parade***

***writes multi-chaptered fic in two days***

**This show destroyed me. You do not understand. This fic is short, because I'm still too emotionally wrecked from this freaking anime to write properly, but I hope it gives you something of the happy ending for Decim and Chiyuki we all imagined.**

**Inspired in part by youtuber forsakenwwitchery's video "Keep Me Alive." Go watch it and cry [even more] tears.**

_I'm forever chasing after time_

_But everybody dies, dies_

_If I could buy forever at a price, _

_I would buy it twice, twice_

_But if the earth ends in fire,_

_And the seas are frozen in time_

_There'll be just one survivor_

_The memory that I was yours_

_And you were mine_

~"Immortal," Marina &amp; the Diamonds

Chiyuki gasped for air like a drowning victim, her eyes shooting open as she surfaced from the liquid barrier of a dream. She reflexively ripped off the comforter, knocking something to the ground with a crash.

A flower vase and its contents sat in shattered remains on the oak floor. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the broken glass and disorientation washed over her. An intense dizzy spell knocked her back onto her pillow.

She raised her hands up above her for examination. Was the room wobbling, or was she shaking? She brought one hand to her forehead and decided on the latter.

The dream had been about something important. Vital. Something she had commanded herself to remember in that foggy twilight between sleep and cognizance.

At least, she thought she'd been dreaming...

She attempted to calm her erratic heartbeat. A few shuddering breaths later, she noted that the room- her room- was dark. The curtains were pulled shut in front of the window, dim morning light muted by the merlot fabric. An old skating trophy gleamed weakly from her dresser, situated next to pictures of friends and family. Faint sounds of utensils scraping plates floated up from the kitchen.

Everything was familiar, but...something didn't seem quite right.

Carefully, she eased herself out of bed.

It was like she had just awoken from the deepest sleep of her life. She had to take a few minutes sitting still on the bed to get her senses to clear completely.

Her bandaged knee ached a little when she put her feet on the floor. She stood to shuffle to her bathroom. Switching the light on, she leaned forward into the mirror.

The familiar sight of her peculiar violet eyes greeted her. Her glossy black hair was styled in bangs that softened her sharp, aristocratic features- though the bangs now stuck out in different directions, the natural white streak blending with them to form a disheveled patch of gray hair.

Tear tracks stained her face.

Her shaky hand came up of its own accord and felt the dampness on her cheeks. Her eyes widened in the reflection.

When had-?

She wiped them away and stumbled back from the mirror. The room began to rock back and forth, and she continued to trip backwards toward the bed, anxious hands clutching her head. Something was wrong. She wasn't supposed to be here. She couldn't be here, and someone was missing. This wasn't-

Her foot crushed something soft near the door. The room ceased moving.

The Jimmy doll.

Her heart gave two painful thuds, and she became aware of the leaden cape of despair that had draped itself around her shoulders.

Kneeling, Chiyuki took the fragile doll gently in her hands, looking confusedly to where it normally sat- across the room. She didn't remember dropping it, or even moving it. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she'd even touched them.

When she looked over to her dresser, she saw something that truly sent her reeling.

Jimmy's smiling friend, the little Chavvot doll, was missing.

She raced over, searching frantically behind the dresser, on the floor, under the bed. Panic tightened her chest. She couldn't have lost it. Those dolls were the most precious things she owned.

As she searched, some part of her knew that she wouldn't find the doll in her room.

Some part of her knew that it had been left the same place she'd left her dream.


	2. Chapter 2

Chiyuki made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen. A woman with long black hair stood facing the stove at the opposite wall. The sun shone in through the window, filling the room with warmth.

"Hi, Mom," she said, feeling an overwhelming surge of affection.

The woman at the stove turned. Lines of age were just barely visible on her face, but they didn't do anything to mar her natural beauty. She had aged gracefully, and the crinkles around her eyes spoke of many years spent smiling.

"Good morning, my beautiful daughter," she said happily. "How is your knee feeling to-"

She was cut off as Chiyuki crushed her in a tight and sudden embrace.

"S- sweetie? Are you alright?"

Chiyuki didn't let go, and took a few more breaths to compose herself. "Yes, Mom. I just- I feel like I haven't seen you in a really long time."

In truth, she also felt an incredible sense of sorrow and regret- but she couldn't determine why.

Her mom was quiet for a while. Chiyuki was content to be still and let the older woman stroke her hair. When she finally spoke, her mom answered, "Your father and I have been so worried about you lately. Ever since your accident, you...you haven't been yourself."

With her words, Chiyuki recalled the night before- even though that, too, seemed like it had happened so long ago-when she had tearfully banished her poor mom from the room.

"You know, I loved watching you skate, Chiyuki...but what made me happiest was seeing you grow up as fine as you have."

"No, I haven't...Just...get out."

She'd been so distraught, she herself wasn't sure what she would have done if she hadn't cried herself to sleep.

Chiyuki pulled away and opened her mouth. "Mom, I-"

Her mom started to babble, tightening her grip on Chiyuki's shoulders. "We know you're not quite ready to talk about your feelings yet. We just want you to know how much we love you and that we'll be proud of you no matter what, even if you never skate again. You're so much more than a skater, Chiyuki," she shook her gently. "You're our beautiful, strong, intelligent, and kind daughter. You have your whole life to find something else you love. You have so much more to look forward to, and we'll be here for you whenever you need us."

Chiyuki's lip quivered. Her voice was watery when she replied, "I know, Mom. I...I'm so sorry. You're right. I'm going to do everything I can to get better. I love you so much."

Her mom had teared up a little. They embraced tightly again. An enormous weight was cast off Chiyuki's shoulders, like something unspeakably horrible had been avoided.

Over the course of the next few days, Chiyuki spent as much time with her parents as possible, whether it was going to the grocery store, accompanying them on walks, or helping them in the garden. Her wounded heart, tender from the crushing disappointment at the repercussions of her fall, began to heal piece by piece.

But that persistent feeling of something wrong- something missing- never left her.

And her doll stayed lost.

Sometimes, she would wake in a cold sweat, still lacking memory of whatever dream tormented her. These moments were coupled with a fierce longing, so extreme that it would burn a hole in her chest and leave her helpless to drown under waves of agony.

But as severely painful as these moments were, so were they also fleeting.

Within seconds, the feeling would be gone, leaving only a dull ache. As she lay and double checked to make sure she hadn't actually been set on fire, she'd frustrate herself further by her inability to remember.

But then, he came.


	3. Chapter 3

After a routine trip to the grocery store, Chikyuki had returned home with her mom to find that they'd forgotten a few vegetables. She took her orange bike and went back by herself to get them, shivering as she pedaled. The cool fall weather was just beginning to get nippy, the leaves losing their green tinge in favor of autumnal colors. When she came out, she dumped the paper bags into the basket over her handles, swung her leg over, and pushed off the sidewalk. No sooner had her foot left the ground than someone stopped her.

"Excuse me, miss," a deep voice called out from behind.

She pulled the bike over. Her heart had begun to beat irregularly the minute she heard him speak. She turned.

A tall man with shocking white hair was walking toward her. A bell went off in her head, and she froze. His face stayed more or less blank, but his posture bespoke caution- like he was coming near a skittish doe.

She tried to say, "Yes?" but nothing came out. He stopped an arm's length away. His eyes consumed her with an unfamiliar intensity as they beheld each other.

He was wearing dark jeans and a forest green jacket over a black polo. In addition to the odd characteristic of white hair-styled in an undercut- that covered one side of his pale face, the man had the brightest shade of blue eyes Chiyuki had ever seen. They were a clear, crystalline teal color that refracted light beautifully as he moved. In fact, they overcame some of the expressionlessness of his visage- they gave off sparks as he observed her.

He was...so familiar. She felt a surge of that longing that tormented her every time she awoke from an elusive dream. Her blood rushed loudly in her ears.

Finally, she found her voice. "Do I know you?"

"I do not believe so," he said, unreadable. He came closer, and she almost fell off her bike. "You dropped this."

He held up his hand, which contained none other than Chiyuki's missing doll.

Her brow contorted. "Wh-" She hesitantly took it from him.

How had she dropped it? She _knew _she hadn't had it on her- she hadn't even seen it for weeks.

She stared at it in confusion for a few beats, feeling unsteady.

"It is yours, I presume," he said.

Chiyuki looked up again, unnerved by how close he was standing.

Then, something odd happened.

Her sight was suddenly reduced to tunnel-vision, everything in her periphery blending together in one indiscernible blur of sound and color. She heard two people speaking to each other, varying in tone from incensed to broken to tender. It was _her, _she realized, saying things to this man she had no recollection of.

_"How exactly...did I die?"_

_"...We cannot really do it this way, can we?"_

_"People aren't as complex as you think they are...They're quickly affected by the littlest things, and live without knowing where they're going to fall down. That's who people are!"_

_"You have become aware that you were human? The time...for me to judge you has come." _

_"You still plan to carry on with that?"_

_"I am an arbiter."_

_"What will you do to judge me?"_

He watched her knowingly, his face the only thing she could see as the world whipped around her.

"Yes, thank...you..." she bit out before the world tilted and everything went black.

She was just conscious enough to realize he caught her before she hit the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing she became aware of once consciousness had returned was the sound of her mother's hushed tones speaking from somewhere far away. She opened her bleary eyes slowly. Her vision focused, and she realized she was lying on her living room couch.

Had she fainted?

He whole body jolted when she heard the voice of the person to whom her mom was speaking.

Chiyuki sat up and crept carefully toward the kitchen, craning her head around the doorframe to catch another look at him. The white-haired man and her mom sat at the coffee table, each with a cup of tea in front of them.

She ducked back behind the door and leaned her head on the wall.

The man must have taken her home. Had he carried her all that way? It was at least a few miles! More importantly, how had he known where she lived?

Chiyuki steeled herself. Although she knew in her bones the man's intentions weren't evil, she wasn't sure what to make of him yet. She strode into the kitchen.

The two noticed her immediately and ceased their conversation.

"Oh, sweetheart, you're awake," Chiyuki's mom said, getting up and coming over to her. "Are you feeling alright?"

Chiyuki took her mom's hand off her forehead. "Yes, I'm fine. What happened?"

She had directed the question at the man at the table. He met her gaze, but remained quiet.

"You fainted," her mom answered. "I read it was a side effect of one of your pain medications, so we let you sleep it off for a bit. This nice man carried you all the way home. He-" She paused, turning to the man with a sweet smile. "Goodness, we've been talking this whole time and I never asked your name."

"Decim," the word slipped naturally off Chiyuki's tongue.

Simultaneously, both the man's and Chiyuki's lips parted in surprise. They held a locked stare.

She had no idea where that had come from, but there was no doubt in her mind that she was right.

The shock faded from his face, and he slipped back into his blank default. Her brow remained twisted in confusion.

A long time passed with the two simply gazing at each other. If Chiyuki's mom hadn't cleared her throat, her daughter would have lost all concept of time.

"I didn't realize you knew each other!" the older woman said amusedly. "If you'll excuse me, I have some chores upstairs I need to attend to," she pardoned herself, apparently oblivious to the whirlwind of emotions passing between her daughter and the stranger- or perhaps, Chiyuki realized as she winked, fully aware.

Chiyuki raised an eyebrow at her mom, nonplussed. Decim stood, bowed, and thanked the woman for the tea.

Chiyuki was left alone with the man she didn't know, but whose name she'd remembered.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

She neared the table and sat before him. He sat with her. She felt his eyes on her as she look down at her clasped hands.

"Thank you for bringing me home," she said, looking up at him. "I don't know what happened." She knew as well as he did that her faint had nothing to do with medication.

"It was no problem at all. I was happy to," he replied in his deep, quiet voice.

Another awkward silence followed. She swept her eyes over him again. "I knew your name."

"Yes," he said, softening.

"You said we've never met."

He took a breath like he was about to speak. His eyes dropped, though, and he looked at a loss for what to say.

Finally, he said, ""I am terribly sorry, but I am unable to answer you fully."

"...I don't understand."

He lowered his head, maintaining eye contact. "There are things you must remember by yourself. I cannot explain to you why." She eyed him. With an almost ridiculous amount of innocence, he added, "But know that I intend you no harm."

It was a flimsy explanation, yet she had come to understand that there _were_ pieces of her life that had gone missing. She couldn't explain his presence any other way.

"I'm not sure what to say."

"That is understandable. I must ask you to trust me."

He leveled a gaze at her, fraught with meaning.

She didn't say so, but she already trusted him implicitly. Every instinct she had was urging her to listen to him.

"...Okay."

He gave one solemn nod. "May I come to call on you tomorrow?"

She was a little taken aback. "Alright," she said.

He stood, and, with the utmost politeness and formality, said, "Thank you very much for your time."

She nodded. He went to the door, his erect posture out of place in the run down little home. It shut behind him, and he was gone.

She watched him through the window until he disappeared.


	5. Chapter 5

That night was the first time in months she remembered anything of her dreams. Still, it wasn't much. All she had were blurs of his white hair, snatches of conversations.

_"Life really is a mysterious thing. Each and every life spins its own, totally separate tale, yet they become intricately entwined in each other. And no one knows how they will end up."_

_"You've never even lived! You don't understand the least bit about grief!"_

_"You look very lovely in that."_

_"When humans are happy, they smile, and when they are sad, they shed tears. Miss Chiyuki, what emotion are you feeling right now?"_

_"Obviously, I feel sad, right?"_

_"Is it wrong for me to want to understand that? I would like to know more about you, Miss Chiyuki."_

She was outside her house and waiting for him long before he arrived, the rising sun on his heels. The early light created a halo effect on his hair as he walked toward her.

"Good morning," he said. His breath created puffy clouds in the chilly air.

"Hi," she replied, wrapping her red scarf tighter around her. "Where are we going?"

He said nothing, simply offering her his arm. She took it.

Together, they made their way through the outskirts of the village, taking a detour onto a nature path. They were the only two on it this early in the morning. In their companionable silence, the sense of something amiss finally left her. She felt like she had truly come home. She almost didn't want to say anything, but she went ahead.

"You were in my dream last night."

"Oh?" he responded.

"I don't remember a lot, but...enough to know that you're very important."

He said nothing.

When she looked away from him, she saw that they had come to a small meadow. The trees forming the cocoon around them were every vibrant shade of red and orange that she had ever encountered. Dry grass swayed back and forth in the cool breeze. They stood in the small clearing, grass tickling Chiyuki's ankles.

"I never imagined such beauty in the natural world," he said, observing everything around them.

"Hmm," she agreed.

"I'm very glad you came with me today," she heard him say, and turned to find him gazing at her.

Her breathing slowed. She looked up at him, closer than she had ever been before

Hesitantly, she reached up to brush the white hair from his face. The action felt intimate. On contact, a memory struck her with the force of lightning, its clarity razor-sharp.

_He kneeled before her, tears streaming down his face. Chiyuki's heart fractured._

_"I just...wanted to know you better...To understand you better. I really am sorry. This was the only way..."_

_She fell to her knees and held on for dear life, whispering, "It's okay. You don't have to apologize."_

_"But I..."_

_"It's okay. I get it."_

_The vision melted into the bar, Nona laughing, the screams, tears, smiles and laughs of those they had judged, the quiet moments between judgings spent at his side, the mannequins clapping for her skating performance at his command._

_The voice of an old woman. "There was a boy named Jimmy, you see, who falls in love with Chavvot. However, Chavvot is unable to hear. But even so, he wishes on a star that someday, his feelings will get through to her...When you want to express your feelings to someone, how do you do it?...We have lots of other ways besides words to express our feelings."_

_Then, echoing over and over, she heard him._

_"I do not know the correct way to express this, but I truly am glad to have met you, Miss Chiyuki."_

The feeling of his hand on hers catapulted her back to the present. She gasped, hanging on by the front of his shirt.

He held her palm to his cheek, his eyes two burning beacons, his mouth set in a firm line. Her knees gave out, and he held her up effortlessly.

"_Decim_," she breathed, a thousand other memories and emotions flooding her psyche with the release of that one word.

They were embracing within a millisecond, holding each other so close that neither one could move.

Tears were streaming freely down her face. "I remember, I _remember_..." She gripped his shoulders, never wanting to let go. Nevertheless, she leaned away to look at his face again.

_As the elevator rolled shut, the last thing she saw was his still, small smile- the smile that expressed everything without him having to say a word._

He smiled down at her, the same way he had the day they said goodbye.

"Decim, how are you here?" she asked in happy disbelief. "How am I alive? What's going on?"

He passed a hand over her disheveled bangs, regaining his neutral face. "First, you must understand that time passes differently in Quindecim than most other places. From the moment the elevator doors closed between us, years began passing for me, while seconds passed for you."

She blinked, still holding on to him. The wind caused the trees to creak, carrying a few red leaves with it.

"I suppose Nona's first mistake was allowing me to keep my memories of you. She believed they would make me a better arbiter. I continued to learn in the years after you, Miss Chiyuki. With more experience, I began to discern the human feelings I had misunderstood or repressed since my creation, and since our meeting. I realized much- about justice, about people, about emotions."

With his next words, his face stayed deadpan.

"Chiefly, I realized that I love you."

Chiyuki's heart stuttered. He announced it without fear, clearly, matter-of-factly, stating a truth that had become as normal to him as the need for air. There was no falsified passion, no florid, contrived speech given to induce superficial affection. There was only her, and him, and a bond of devotion that not even death could sever.

Chills raced up and down her spine.

"You remember the choice you were given when I deceived you for testing purposes, do you not?" he said, sounding regretful.

She was mute, so she nodded.

"For the first time, the actions of the couples I had seen in Quindecim all made sense to me. I had to see you again. And I would do anything to accomplish that."

Suddenly, she was nervous.

_"In exchange...for the life of a single person, I am able to bring you back to life right here and now, Miss Chiyuki."_

"It was within my power to give you a second chance, so I did."

At this, she realized something. It had been staring her in the face the whole time, yet it had escaped her notice until now.

His eyes, which had once perpetually held that aquamarine cross- the telltale sign of an arbiter- were now a clear, solid cerulean.

She saw her horrified reflection in them as she whispered, "Decim, no."

His eyes expressed tenderness. "Yes. I am no longer an arbiter."

His life. His life had been the sacrifice.

She was shaking her head.

"I will die, now, just like all other humans. Though for me, nothing awaits but the void. Nona made that condition rather clear. I have forfeited my ability to be judged."

Chiyuki's ears were ringing, and she was paralyzed.

"Additionally, you had to remember me yourself. Had I told you anything prematurely, I would have had to return _straight_ to the void, and you would have been reincarnated. That is why you needed to remember on your own."

The tears that ran afresh down her face felt cold and sick. As inexpressive as Decim was, the confusion on his face when he saw the tears was clear as day.

"Miss Chiyuki...?"

"Decim," she said, voice scratchy, "How could you do this? _What were you thinking_?"

She beat him weakly on the chest with a fist, burying her face.

"I do not understand."

"You...you...sold your immortality for _me_. You never should have-"

She choked, unable to continue.

He clasped both her hands in his, raising them to rest on his heart.

"Miss Chiyuki," he said, "I simply realized that one short life with you is well worth an eternity without."

She stared at him, mouth open, pupils dilated. Tears continued to flow down her pale cheeks.

"I..."

He initiated the embrace this time, cradling her gently while she stood there, catatonic. She went limp in his arms, and they sunk to the soft ground together.

Her heart was beating painfully. She had no idea someone could feel so much sadness and so much happiness at the same time.

She pulled back and clasped his head between her hands. His eyes searched her face intently.

Her mom had been right, Chiyuki realized. She had found something else she loved, something else to live for. It just took her death to find him.

She leaned forward. Decim closed his eyes, still as a statue.

She pressed her lips to his, first, light as a feather, then more firmly. He stayed motionless. She brushed her hand over his eyes again, finding his brow twisted in concentration.

He leaned forward and pulled her in tighter. He was all around her; his name on her tongue, his voice in her ears, his scent in her nose, his love in her heart. She tasted forever on his lips.

As her life stretched out before her, Chiyuki knew their time together would be as fleeting and bright as those flashes of longing in the twilight between dreams and reality. Darkness, the same that awaited every man, awaited them, too.

But she was no longer afraid.


End file.
